Exit Strategy
I went back to work this week, so it's time for reflection. I spent the summer doing hot yoga, working out at the downtown Y, and playing with my kids. We went swimming, we ate ice cream, we had great adventures downtown and at all the local parks. We had play dates, we slept in, I didn't clean a thing or organize or lesson plan or anything other than focus on myself and my babes.
Last year at work didn't end well. There is major drama with a fellow, less experienced and much younger, employee. We just cannot make it work. So I gave up on trying, put my head down, and pushed forward. I was determined to spend the summer focusing. I focused on myself and my family and my wonderful, fantastic, amazing friends that fill my life with joy. All of that time focusing, breathing, sweating, and day dreaming helped me to understand where my constant frustrations where coming from. I had a realization and what I realized was this: I do not like my job. I mean, really and truly. It's not the kind of "oh she'll get through it, she just needs to focus" I don't like my job. It is a fundamental truth: I cannot pretend to like what I do anymore. Not one more day.
This heavy and depressing realization came to me the day I interviewed for a different position at another school. I had always wanted to work there. I loved the kids and the team at the other school. The workload was fair and equal, and the adults at least seemed to actually get along. As I was contemplating the job on my plane ride to New York (another story entirely) I realized something. I didn't want the new job, because I knew if I took it I wouldn't be there for a long enough time to make an impact. I knew I needed at least 5-10 years to turn that program into what it deserved to be and I didn't have 5-10 years left in me. I barely have 1 year, hell 1 day left in me. That's when I realized: I don't want to teach anymore. I want out. I want out BAD.
It doesn't matter where I am or who I work with. The new job was not going to solve my problem. I currently teach with one of my best friends right down the hall, and several other amazing people in the building. My students are talented and sweet and grateful and so many things that I love, I can't say enough good things about them. But, and it's a big BUT, when they out number me 36 to 1 it just doesn't matter how awesome they are. I can't see the tree for the forest, or however the hell that saying goes. There are just too damn many of them. And there are so many adults in my department who hardly teach at all, or when they do they have HELP! Like OTHER TEACHERS in the room with them.
I could go on and on but the fact is that the whole thing feels so unfair and awful and then you add coworker drama and CORE and "accountability" and observations and teacher rankings and ratings like we are bidding for place in a fucking sorority or something (a sorority from HELL) then it just doesn't seem worth it. It just CANNOT be WORTH it. I have these two absolutely amazing children at home and all I want is to hang out with them and like watch them breathe, not beat my head against the wall of public education every day. So I realized that I am done. Now I just have to calculate my exit strategy.
I loved my job when I started. I really did. And now, I dread it, it makes my stomach hurt, and I can't pretend anymore that I like it. So I'm not going to. I have a plan, a four year plan that will HOPEFULLY take less time than that, and I'm done.
Last year at work didn't end well. There is major drama with a fellow, less experienced and much younger, employee. We just cannot make it work. So I gave up on trying, put my head down, and pushed forward. I was determined to spend the summer focusing. I focused on myself and my family and my wonderful, fantastic, amazing friends that fill my life with joy. All of that time focusing, breathing, sweating, and day dreaming helped me to understand where my constant frustrations where coming from. I had a realization and what I realized was this: I do not like my job. I mean, really and truly. It's not the kind of "oh she'll get through it, she just needs to focus" I don't like my job. It is a fundamental truth: I cannot pretend to like what I do anymore. Not one more day.
This heavy and depressing realization came to me the day I interviewed for a different position at another school. I had always wanted to work there. I loved the kids and the team at the other school. The workload was fair and equal, and the adults at least seemed to actually get along. As I was contemplating the job on my plane ride to New York (another story entirely) I realized something. I didn't want the new job, because I knew if I took it I wouldn't be there for a long enough time to make an impact. I knew I needed at least 5-10 years to turn that program into what it deserved to be and I didn't have 5-10 years left in me. I barely have 1 year, hell 1 day left in me. That's when I realized: I don't want to teach anymore. I want out. I want out BAD.
It doesn't matter where I am or who I work with. The new job was not going to solve my problem. I currently teach with one of my best friends right down the hall, and several other amazing people in the building. My students are talented and sweet and grateful and so many things that I love, I can't say enough good things about them. But, and it's a big BUT, when they out number me 36 to 1 it just doesn't matter how awesome they are. I can't see the tree for the forest, or however the hell that saying goes. There are just too damn many of them. And there are so many adults in my department who hardly teach at all, or when they do they have HELP! Like OTHER TEACHERS in the room with them.
I could go on and on but the fact is that the whole thing feels so unfair and awful and then you add coworker drama and CORE and "accountability" and observations and teacher rankings and ratings like we are bidding for place in a fucking sorority or something (a sorority from HELL) then it just doesn't seem worth it. It just CANNOT be WORTH it. I have these two absolutely amazing children at home and all I want is to hang out with them and like watch them breathe, not beat my head against the wall of public education every day. So I realized that I am done. Now I just have to calculate my exit strategy.
I loved my job when I started. I really did. And now, I dread it, it makes my stomach hurt, and I can't pretend anymore that I like it. So I'm not going to. I have a plan, a four year plan that will HOPEFULLY take less time than that, and I'm done.
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